What is me vs. What is not me

What is me and what is not me is something we start learning early on.

It’s s fundamental part of the process of being alive and being in the world: to distinguish reality from fantasy, and oneself from what’s outside. 

This ability is at the core of setting good boundaries, because it helps you discriminate between what you want and need, and what the other wants and needs, and recognise how the latter is something you will have to accept and respect, without it being your responsibility.

What really is in your power to change and take care of, is your own personal path. Poor boundaries stem from delegating it to someone else, or assuming it’s your duty to help others to accomplish theirs.

The reason for poor personal boundaries can be many, but be sure of something: the more connected you are to yourself, the more you are able to ask yourself “Where is this feeling coming from, and what can I do in order not to feel like this in the future?”, the less you will be attaching what you feel to someone else’s actions, or feel in charge to heal them.

A healthy relationship is based on the assumption that each member will take care and pay attention to their own needs, and then bring them to the common ground, if necessary, in a non-blaming form, as means to be better known by the other(s). 

If everyone is being mindful of what they need, and why they feel what they feel, then taking care of each other becomes a choice and not a condition for the relationship itself.

Resentment is usually a sign to check for boundaries that have been crossed, both ways. Either we expect gratitude or acknowledgement for something we did for the other, or we feel our needs were not met because of the other.

Looking at the blame underneath that resentment can be vital for inhabiting the same space with independence in a relationship.

Do you ever blame the other for things that are not their responsibility? Try to step back and see what would happen if you felt compassionate towards your needs, and share them with the other as something that says something about you rather than them. 

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